The 3 Ds of Despair

Depression, Depersonalization, and Derealization. Three distinct mental health conditions that can occur separately or, as in my case, intertwine to create what I’ve come to call the 3 Ds of Despair. While most people have heard of depression, the other two remain largely unknown and misunderstood – even by many healthcare professionals.

This week, I want to dive deeper into these conditions: what they are, how they feel, and why raising awareness about them matters. If you or someone you know might be experiencing these symptoms, please know that help is available. The NHS provides comprehensive resources on Depression and Depersonalization-derealization disorder. These conditions can be effectively treated through proper medical care and therapy.

One of the reasons I choose to be so public about my journey with mental health is because I know how terrifying it feels when you don’t understand what’s happening to you. When your reality starts slipping away, and you can’t explain why. Recently, reading Matt’s story in “Talk To Strangers” about his experience with depersonalization and derealization reminded me why sharing these experiences matters – sometimes, knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference.

The Silent Approach

As I wrote in “Depression Doesn’t Come Knocking,” these conditions rarely announce their arrival. They creep in slowly, almost imperceptibly, until one day you realize something isn’t right. Like a photograph fading in the sun, the change is so gradual you might not notice until the colors are almost gone.

What makes these conditions particularly challenging is that they manifest differently for everyone. Some might experience intense emotional numbness, while others feel overwhelming emotions. Some might lose their appetite, while others find comfort in food. There’s no one-size-fits-all description, which can make recognition and diagnosis even more complicated.

Depression: The First D

Depression is perhaps the most widely recognized of the three conditions. It’s more than just feeling sad or having a bad day – it’s a persistent alteration in how you experience the world. The appetite disappears, thoughts become darker, and getting out of bed takes more energy than you thought possible. Things that once brought joy become meaningless, and the world loses its color.

But what many don’t realize is that depression can be both the catalyst and the companion to more complex mental health challenges.

Depersonalization: Losing Yourself

Imagine watching your life through a security camera feed. You can see yourself moving, talking, existing, but there’s a disconnect between your consciousness and your actions. Your voice comes out, but you hear it with a delay, as if someone else is speaking through you. Your body moves, but you feel like a puppet master who’s lost control of the strings.

During my episodes, I would find myself in conversations, hearing my own voice respond to questions, but feeling completely detached from the words. It’s like being trapped in the backseat of your own mind, watching helplessly as someone else drives. The worst part is maintaining enough awareness to know something is terribly wrong, but being unable to break free from this observer state.

Derealization: When Reality Slips Away

If depersonalization is watching yourself from the outside, derealization is watching the world dissolve into something unrecognizable. Everything becomes dreamlike, but not in a pleasant way. Colors shift slightly, familiar faces look strange, and the world feels like a poorly tuned television station – everything is there, but something is fundamentally wrong.

Time becomes elastic – minutes can feel like hours, or hours can pass in what feels like seconds. During my episodes, I would find myself in places with no memory of how I got there, or staring at loved ones’ faces that suddenly seemed foreign and unfamiliar.

The Long Road to Diagnosis

When the first major episode hit in 2022, no one knew what was happening. My worried mom arranged every test imaginable – EEGs, CAT scans, blood work – anything to find an explanation. I remember being in these medical offices, watching myself answer questions from somewhere near the ceiling, feeling completely disconnected from the person speaking with my voice.

Doctors initially dismissed it as “covid fog,” prescribing supplements and rest. But something was deeply wrong, and we all knew it. It was Natalia who finally connected the dots, recognizing the symptoms as mental health-related rather than neurological. She got me to a psychiatrist, and within three days of starting antidepressants, I began to feel myself returning. It was like somebody finally found the key to unlock the prison I’d been trapped in.

When They Return

After that first episode, I promised myself it would never happen again. I thought if I just tried hard enough, stayed vigilant enough, I could prevent it. But mental health doesn’t work that way. The episodes returned, each one more intense than the last. Each time, the disconnection grew deeper, the nightmares more vivid, the fear more overwhelming.

By April 2023, during what would become my worst episode, I found myself lost in what I now call the basement of rock bottom. The experience was darker, longer, and more terrifying than anything that came before. But it also became a turning point.

Finding the Way Back

Recovery isn’t linear, and it isn’t simple. But it is possible. Through a combination of proper medication, consistent therapy, and a support system that understood (or at least tried to understand) what I was going through, I began to find my way back. Each episode taught me something new about myself, about my triggers, and about the importance of mental health care.

Today, I’m not “cured” – these conditions don’t work that way. But I’m better equipped to recognize the early signs. I have tools to help manage symptoms, professionals who understand my history, and medications that help keep me stable. Most importantly, I’ve learned that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s often the bravest thing you can do.

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, please don’t wait. Reach out to mental health professionals. If the first one doesn’t understand, try another. Keep searching until you find the right help. You’re not alone in this, and you don’t have to navigate it by yourself.

These conditions are terrifying, but they’re treatable. Recovery is possible. Sometimes the darkest moments lead us to the most important realizations about ourselves and our need for proper care and support.

Love from Krakow,
Julian